I bow to Dianne, to be so brave and dividing her sight of all this, even if I am almost sure, she has been told not to do so. It needs a lot of strength to be so open…
She did, what I didn´t have the heart to, four years ago, when I left the band. I don´t want to say Xandria are a bunch of bad guys. It´s not like that. If the business hadn´t been between us, I am sure we would have come along quite well. But to be honest: Music business kills everything. It destroys humanity in some way. It doesn´t care about you. You have to care for yourself. Nobody else does.

So at least now, four years after my departure, I want to have the courage to open my heart. Cause that´s what I have learned in those past years: Say what you think. Be as you are. Otherwise nothing will change…

I understand how music business works financially and in general. Shows must be played. But what about the health of the singer? What´s more important? Success or health? „Standing outside“ I´m sure people would say „health“ without hesitating. But being inside business and being a member of a touring band, is making things more complicated. It´s not just black or white. Neither for the singer nor for the band.

You are the singer, the frontwoman. You are the first person people look at. You are the one singing your soul out of your body at every single concert. And when you are within a successful band and if everything is still fine within the band, you want to give your best. Or even more of the best. For the band, for the fans, for yourself. You live for it, with all your heart, with passion.

Usually it takes a bit of time, after all these new experiences on tour, after having great concerts, meeting great people…until you realize that your body doesn´t work the way you want him to work. Touring demands a lot from musicians, especially from singers, because your instrument is not outside of you. It is YOURSELF. And a voice needs time to rest, to recover. So does the body. But on tour, there´s to less time to recover yourself.

And then, a change increases more and more. You begin to bet not to become ill during a tour. But because of stress and making yourself pressure, every tour desease follows you like a pick you cannot get rid off. To not dissapoint any of the band or any of the fans, you decide to be a fighter and go on stage even if you have laryngitis and run the risk to ruin your voice forever. You are blind. You trie to deal with it. Time and time again. Until a point, when you decide that it is enough. That you sacrificed enough. That it is time to say „stop“, before it is too late.

You realize that cancelling the tour might be the last resort to save your health, but it will be really bad for the band. Still you decide to cancel. For yourself, for your voice.This might be the best solution. But as I said: Music business kills humanity. The show had to go on. And I didn´t have the strenghth to say „NO“. I felt so much pressure around me. So I didn´t cancel. I went on. And lost myself. Cause I didn´t follow my heart. I did what was expected to be done by a frontwoman. I acted against my health. For the band. Worst decision ever.

Not only I lost more and more trust in the band, because of this, but also lost passion in music. Never thought this could happen. But I felt like a doll on stage. Not like myself anymore. That´s when I knew that it is definitely time to pull the safety brake. So I did. And I left the band. With a sad eye, but also with a feeling of relief. Free again. Freedom to be me again.

I told you this story not to point with a finger at the Xandria guys. Nor to say they are bad guys. Of course there have been some misunderstandings on both sides and not everything was perfect. But still we had also good times, not to forget.

Why I am telling this story is, that everyone out there should know that, as far as I know, women in metal scene are not always treated the way they should be treated. There is a lack of sense for the needs of a female singer within a band full of men. I don´t want to judge all the female-fronted bands out there, but want to encourage band members, management and label to care more about the female part of the band. Speak more to each other (i mean also the singers. Say what you think, earlier than I did). To the others: Play less shows, even if this might bring less money. Ask if everything is ok. And if not, ask what is needed to make the singer feel more comfortable. Stop making pressure because of financial issues or because of greed for success. This will not work. I hope it won´t. And I hope that people involved in this business will learn out of those situations. Maybe they will learn of women like Dianne. And maybe of women like me.

Cause the main and most important matter and the one we almost lost: It is the MUSIC itself.
That´s why we do it. That´s why we sing. To bring music out there. To you. Into your hearts.

For all the fans out there,

yours Manuela