I came out to my parents when I was 17. Since then, I’ve been pretty private about who I date. I’ve been terrified it would cost me jobs, that I wouldn’t be considered eligible for certain scripts, that I’d be seen differently as a comedian. I don’t like the idea of people thinking of me as an LGBTQIA comedian; I’d rather they think of me as a nightmare dumpster, a hell brain with void ideas. So, I’ve turned down gay showcases, and erased almost any reference to dating women from my public presence. I’ve been scared. My friends know, but I’ve never come out to the larger world. And the truth is, I kinda think identifying as anything is reductive and narcissistic; #identity feels like a tribal by-product of consumerism, crushing us into tidy demographics so that we can be marketed to. If we belong to a group, then we might just buy what they buy, watch what they watch, etc. Any model for behavior is minimizing, and any identity that can fit on a bumper sticker is a slogan. But on this #nationalcomingoutday, I thought about young Heather, watching Whose Line is it Anyway? on the basement TV, and how much it would have meant to her to know that one of the women on the show was queer. Maybe it would have made her less terrified of any of this. I mean, probably not; she went to a school that taught her she was going to hell for thinking about girls, and she internalized it until it dawned on her that it didn’t make sense. Still, she was still scared. She still is. So, for her, I’ll say it today. There it is. I date women. Also: I don’t really feel pride about it, because I didn’t do anything, it was just the way I was born. I don’t have pride about my toes, you know? I’m proud of the old Macintosh I refurbished, the stuff I’ve written, and the times I’ve done a thing that made people laugh. But when I was doing those things, I was hiding who I loved. I’m gonna try to hide less. (please don’t fire me, oh god, I love money; I love Whose Line, I hope none of the network or studio heads see this, Hollywood pls ignore,