I am gay.
Three words I am so, so terrified to say.
I’ve been open and out with my friends and family for years now, yes - but for some reason I have always filtered myself on social media. I’ve never been able to bring myself to say ‘those words’. This week has been an emotional one for a lot of people and I’ve been thinking hard about whether or not I even SHOULD post something. It just kept creeping back in my mind. That voice justifying my cowardice. That voice telling me... ‘it's not important’ or ‘no one needs to know’. But that’s just false. That’s just me giving into a world that tells me to hide myself. A world that tells me no one wants to see that, no one NEEDS to see that. Of course no one would care if it was me posting about a girlfriend, a crush, a ‘#WCW’ - but as soon as it becomes personal to me, as soon as it crosses that line of making others uncomfortable - no one ‘needs’ to see that.
I have spent almost 5 years living in Los Angeles and in that time I have met some truly incredible people and experienced some amazing, beautiful events. But a week ago, in the wake of one of the most devastating events in modern American history, I experienced something that in most other years would just be a weekend of parades, partying, and concerts. Pride. Not the event itself - the feeling it created in me. And I’m not just talking about an internal, personal feeling, but thousands and thousand of others coinciding and vibrating at one pulse. Pride so strong you could feel it, I mean REALLY feel it - pushing down on you with this massive energy from crowds combating such a hateful, abhorrent act with love, and compassion, and empathy. I walked through a parade of men and women who were NOT going to let the actions of one hateful human destroy something that so many have been beaten, persecuted, shamed, and killed for. We have come out the other side strong, united, and ready to fight back. I can’t explain the emotion that was washing over me that entire day - or the feeling of community that I experienced at the LA Vigil for the Orlando victims the night following - but I know it is something I will probably (and hopefully) experience the same ever again.
This past year has introduced me to some incredibly amazing gay men and women. People I treasure as my family and I look up to as mentors. People I can cry with, laugh with, mourn with, celebrate with, and that I know I will love and hold close to my heart for the rest of my life. I’ve been shown what real love is, what true friendship is, and I need each of you to know just how much you mean to me. How much you have helped me to become a more confident person who is not longer afraid. How much you’ve shown me that it’s not only ‘ok’ that I’m gay but that it is empowering! I am part of a community that is STRONG, vibrant, full of life and curiosity, full of beautiful, wonderful, successful individuals who come together to form this breathtaking LGBT family. I can only hope to shine with a fraction of the light that you have been for me these past few years. There really is nothing I can say that hasn’t been said by much more eloquent writers than I, so I will not ramble any longer - but I just needed you to know that I’m not scared anymore. This is who I am and this week it needs to be said, SCREAMED even. So now I’m telling you -
I am gay.
And those are three words I am so, so proud to say.
