My teenage son spends a fortune on aftershave
“Not again,” I sigh as I’m asked to sign for another cardboard box from a discount retailer for my 15-year-old son. I know what’s inside. The smell gives it away. These deliveries have become a regular thing since he developed a dangerous and fiendishly expensive habit. One that leads him to spend many furtive hours trailing round provincial shopping malls on weekends, splurging all his pocket money and scrolling painfully through TikTok trying to get his next fix.
No, I’m not talking about smoking, vaping, alcohol or any of those worryingly addictive fads that teenagers can be so susceptible to, I’m talking about designer cologne. The sort that sound rather like they have been inspired by Seventies porn films: Moonlight in Heaven, Noir Extreme, Vanilla Sex, Ultra Male and Mortal Skin, to name a few.
He is, quite frankly, obsessed. His room may look like a crime scene most of the time, but his bookshelf resembles a John Lewis cologne counter or a shrine to the god of aftershave. The bottles include one that looks remarkably like a glass of whisky, an updated version of the inimitable Jean Paul Gaultier perfume bottle so popular in the Noughties, and one that looks like a spare part from a Mercedes car. His illustrious collection is his pride and joy and his peers seem to be similarly infatuated. Their WhatsApp chats are peppered with references to the latest “fragrances”.
When my husband was reluctantly persuaded to take our son to Harrods during a trip to London over Easter to sample the God of Fire, which at £175 a bottle was never going to be something he could afford, it was sold out. The 50ml bottle of the latest cologne from the luxury French fragrance brand Stéphane Humbert Lucas looks rather like something from a Transformers movie with a snake face embossed on the front. My husband says the cologne counters were mobbed by teenage boys dousing themselves.
Our local Turkish barber also seems to have got in on the action and is selling his own cheap versions of the most popular fragrances. A friend who recently went on a rugby tour with his 13-year-old son said one of the most nauseating things was the smell of the bus. The scent of BO or smelly old rugby boots was replaced by 20 different types of aftershave. Another recently caved in and took his 13-year-old to Selfridges to help “choose his scent”.
It all started — where else? — on TikTok, which is where my son began to hear about new aftershaves coming out, sample sales and the most coveted ranges. A quick TikTok search reveals thousands of videos. The account @fbfragrances has more than 22 million likes and includes a breakdown of the top fragrances for “smelling fresh out the shower” and those that “will get you the most compliments” (314,600 likes). Then there’s @strong.style.fragrances (aka the Aftershave King, 21,300 followers), who posts about the latest deals and discounts, and “the legend” (according to my son) @jeremyfragrance, who, with his German accent, mullet and penchant for all-white suits, looks like he’s about to audition for Eurovision. He has 8.8 million followers and 110.5 million likes, and combines sampling different scents, including Donald Trump’s reported favourite, with his love of, er, Jesus.
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I dread to think how much I have spent so far to fund my son’s habit, but with the cheapest bottles going for a minimum of £40 a pop, and his present collection of seven bottles, I’d say at least £280. Fortunately, much of this was covered by his Christmas and birthday money, but it is still a very expensive habit for a teenager to have. He says, quite simply, that he likes smelling nice and fresh and likes the look of the bottles.
It’s a far cry from the humble Davidoff Cool Water and CK One or, for older gents, Old Spice, which was favoured in my teenage years in the Nineties alongside the ubiquitous Lynx.
It almost makes me want to go back to the time when I had to nag my son to take a shower. Almost. Let’s hope he doesn’t get into designer shower gel next. I can’t afford to pay for that on top of everything else.